mediocre little things...

next year is coming... i have been feeling half hearted lately...

too drained after exams? not likely... More likely is coz i am facing financial crisis... guess I might not be able to turn up for more activities already.. Going to cut down my going out, and start earning more money.. WORK WORK WORK!!!!!

some random thoughts pop into my mind:

- friends, not all you can keep. Those you keep, are those truer to urself...

- when you realise you cant click with some, do you let go, or stay? Whats the point in forcing it?

- friends, same like wine, the older the better. The more comfortable i am with them.. ahaha.. somethings you know just never change....

hello stranger

This is the part where they went to Nami island, Korea. I love the part where the guy actually mimic Bae Yongjun.. ahaha... super funny!!!!

Watched this movie, 'Hello Stranger' with my uni frens after the last paper. What was so great about this movie that had me blogging? It was damn hilarious!!! it was a laugh-throughout-the-movie kind.

The touching part, not much. But it was kind of pity, that the guy realized too late that it was this stranger that he had fell in love with at the later part of the movie.

strange fate, and come to the realistic part, how many people will actually meet while travelling abroad? Doing crazy things together and come to like each other..... I think the male lead gave a very good answer towards the end: 'How do i know this feeling will last, and not because dependence formed as we are travelling? Because I still miss her."

ok not exact words, but something with similar meaning to this. During travelling, people formed false sense of reliance that they may mistake for love. It is only until you are back to your own country, when you are back to your comfort zone, and you are still missing that someone, then there, that's it.

overall rating for this movie? 4 out of 5 stars... i like the hilarious part... haven laugh in that manner for i-also-dunno-how-long... :)

merry christmas... may everyone eventually find the place they belong to~

Guys, its time you count your blessing...

Ok, GUYS/MALES/MRs, please look at this post carefully and appreciate the others who are sexually different in nature from you. Count yourself lucky to be a guy!

Disclaimer: I do not mean any gender discrimination or otherwise. And the opinions expressed here do not represent the opinion of the female species in general. It is my stand alone (gettg narcissistic again)

I guess the following can pretty much summarize why being female is not really a blessing in disguise (though most of the time, female always think that they are lucky to escape NS).. HI, HELLO EVERYONE out dere! Being able to be NON-APPLICABLE under the national service category is not something to be proud of, and definitely not enough to override all the negative sides of being a lady, female, girl, auntie, granny... RAWR....

Point 1: Period really sux... (If it comes with cramp, all hell break loose...)

Point 2: High threshold for pain since we are the one who is going to get pregnant. (This is not really good rite, since it meant we will experience higher level of pain.. WHY DO I WANT TO EXPERIENCE SUCH PAIN??!!! (psychotic...)

Point 3: We are supposed to be the nurturing role.. (how can i do that when every thing i try to grow, dies in my hand... *roll eyes)

Point 4: Work place equality. (Now, lets face it. A few industrial success of female being at the top level doesnt equate to gender equality. Most of us are still stuck at administrative work...WHat? are we supposed to support the males for the rest of life? isnt it enuff that we have to support the ones we have in our homes??)

Point 5: Girls have to stay pretty. (I guess this attributes WHOLLY to the males species' fault. They can be fat, balding, ugly fugly, narcissistic, MCP, but we still love them... On the other hand, once we get fat, ugly, bald, they wont wait another second to get rid of us.. boohoo)

Point 6: Guys can have all the fun and girls get all the punishment. (see, this is what one-nite stand means.. Girls are always the lu gi one... damn)

Point 7: The naughtier a guy gets, the more the girl will like/love him. (once a girl gets naughtier, she is consider slut, an easy lay, etc etc...) and at the end of the day, the girl still suffer the consequence.

Point 8, 9, 10.. I cant thought of any right now.. since i am experiencing point 1 (including what is inside the bracket), so fml... I feel so much like a devil.. but whatever...

to conclude, Guys pls appreciate the females beside, around, on top, below of you... Everything you do to them has an impact on them. The pain ur experience is nothing as compared to the menstrual cramp we have to endure every month of our life! freaking hell...

(12times per yr) X (ur current age-ur puberty age) = the number of cramps you have been thru....

fook, thats 120 times for me... i wonder why hasnt my uterus loses its control/contraction--> i think the most muscular part of my body is my uterus... RAWR....

feels good to be bitchy sometimes.... :) (tats the plus point of being a girl ^.^ )

i just wanna scream, shout, tear my hair out!!!!

There is always this period of intense frustration. No matter what i do, say, i don feel energised or feel good about. I will be super irritable during this period as well.. ahaha, menstrual here? BINGO...

Its the few days before the arrival of period, that i will be super touchy. Bad mood, bad hair day, everything seems to be pretty off the mark. THAT INCLUDES MY RESULT, even though i am at the point of not being bothered. I cant really pinpoint if i am that affected by my result or not, i am just frustrated. I just wanna shout out loud! RAWR

And fark it, during this period i will become more emotional and irrational. Everything i said doesnt make sense (to my friends esp, and to myself).. Damn, if this kind of thing happen every month my 'aunt' come and visit me, very soon i will have to send myself to outer planet and let my lonely body rot there. (I guess this beats staying on Mother Earth and get crashed and died in a car accident, or accidentally fell off a tall building and smashed my pretty face on the ground). Eew, that's a pretty gruesome and ugly death.

Added to this kind of female problem (its the psychological stress that i cannot stand most, so guys, see how fortunate u are to be A GUY), i have never ending projects, and exams are coming. I can seeing my light at the end of the tunnel getting dimmer with each passing minutes. SHIT....

Can someone teach me a way to scream so i wont wake the dead up? (somehow, i thought of screaming into the pillow but there wont be any satisfaction if i nv hear my voice when i scream) Fark it, why am i so narcissistic?? everything just seems so wrong...

okie, it will right itself somehow... back to project again.. I wanna see rainbow again....

A Sunday @ expo

Yay, met up with D n D (aka, deb and diana) for an eventful animal roadshow @ expo the last sunday!

It all started at 10am! Initally, the law of inertia was quite huge because generally sunday will mean sleeping in late. But I think is was ok to wake up early once in a long long while.. haha and true to nana's word: it will turn out alright.. actually more than alright because we saw a lot of doggies!!!!

to quote nana: ' i want a toy poodle.' To which, my reply was:'I give you my Willy.'

Obviously, i was rejected by Nana... hahahaha..

and deb was quite cool, she just replied:'go and buy lor.' hahaha...

(I am not sure why this convo stuck in my mind, probably coz the toy poodle was super cute. It was the hyperactive kind, but what attracted me most was his tail! Imagine a furry ball waggle infront of you with super high frequency!)

After the volunteer work, (which most of us look forward to ending :p), we sat down and munch on our burgers. AND AND... surprisingly, we were so tired after whole day standing, but THERE WERE STILL SO MUCH UNSPENT ENERGY LEFT IN US when we went to the ROBINSON SALES.. ahahahaha..... this means shoppingsSSsss!!!

To which, Deb bagged a pair of shoes that we psycho her to buy! nay, this is not peer pressure.. i shld clarify! DEFINITELY NOT PEER PRESSURE.. ahaha.. (just like the way i bought the shirt :p) I think the biggest winner of the day should be nana! the bio-essence thing costs less than 10 bucks per item! waoohooo.. u cant expect to find such a price for bio-essence stuff outside...

*fun!

Dad's ignoring me DAY 1

PaPa did not speak to me when i came home from jog tonite...

wondering what is going on... Worried about him...

Tell me a way to talk to you dad......

not gg to be sad over it.. i know it will have to be sooner or later that i have to face it....

so i am going to stay strong....

but i am confused, why must it be guys who are always the unfaithful party...

is it so difficult? i am angry, because i hate the silent kind of denial....

i cant help it but to let it affect me a bit...

-estranged-

24.10.10...the road to discovery....

time to blog about what i did ytd.. Am glad to receive all the well wishes.. and i am really glad tat those i care for most, did rmb my bday!

My sis and brother-in-law were the first to gimme my pressie! ahaha... actually it did come as a surprise because they gave it to me on 22.10.10, when i reached home. (i went to school to study, i guess recess week, it is already quite common to do this). Well, they are quite sweet together, quarreling over whose idea it was to decide what present to give me. But well, no matter what they give me, i will still like it.. ahaha...

The bottle is given by my brother-in-law.. actually i shld just group them as my sis and bro-in-law... haha.. and this year i insisted on not having any cakes, so my sis went to bought the macarons! :) (haha actually i think she bought because I haven try it before, likewise for her!) but luckily she bought all the flavours that i like!

On this day, 23.10.10, i decided to do something different. I had this idea of bus hopping, around singapore. Actually, it should be taking and changing the bus as and when i like, irregardless of where it goes. (haha, but i think i am still afraid that i will get lost? shall try it during hols then, more time to spare.. :) )

The starting bus stop is the one just below my hse, and i took the first bus that reached the bus stop, which happened to be 963. So i ended going to Causeway interchange. Upon alighting, i decided that i should walked around and see where i want to go before deciding on the bus to take. I walked around and decided i should venture further, so i took 169 to go Ang Mo Kio! :)

After i reach AMK, i went to look at some of the bus directory, and decided to take 135 because it is actually a loop from AMK-Marine Parade-back to AMK. On the way, it will pass by Siglap, upper thomson, Tanjong Katong, etc etc...

Surprisingly, when i look around, i saw this road name that caught my eyes. It was the Mulberry Road! actually i should explain my surprise. My fren has this bag that is the Mulberry brand. Becoz the name sounds rather similar to Bulberry, that's how i remember. I nearly alighted to took down the name of the road, but the bus just went pass the bus stop, so i aborted the idea.. hehehe....

On the way to Marine Parade, Tanjong Katong is the area that caught my interest. It looks very similar to Johor Bahru. It is not just the building, but rather, the whole street just give me that kind of feel... It feels good actually, to just walk around, doing a little sightseeing and taking down pictures of whatever that capture your interest. hahaha..

I think many would ask me why i will want to do such a silly thing on a day like this. But i guess i have celebrated the majority of my bdays with frens, i should do smthg (no matter how silly) for myself. Have a plain and simple way of life. Simplicity has nothing to do with expectations, with deadlines, with complexity. It is just being who you are. YES! i shall look forward to my life after Uni! :)

dad, for u...

taking some time out to blog about this.

dad, there is so much i want to tell you, to sit down and really talk for the first time. But somehow, i dont know the way to approach you. I want to know, if you are really happy. Happy in this home, the one you created, but somehow neglected. Everyday, the most we talked is about a few sentences. Sometimes, it was even lesser than that. There was no jovial greetings when you came back, like i used to call out to you. Things changed, but i did not expect it to be so unknowingly. My happier moments with you are stuck at my childhood. The dad who doted on me, the one who forgave me for whatever mistakes i have done. The one who took up the blame when i want to change class in my secondary school days. But now, even as you asked me to do something for you, all i felt was an obligation. This shouldnt be the way. I felt guilt, so everything i did was out of a sense of responsibility. This shouldnt be the way. I want to erase away all your bad habits, all the moments that you behaved stubbornly, and for once, i want to respect you genuinely, as an individual. I wished i hadnt know, I wish i could pretend. But infidelity can never be hidden. Dishonest acts will eventually be exposed. I am not sure how much more time i have before i need to face up to this matter. I have no proof, no evidence except what sis told me she saw. I couldnt be happier for you if that is really what you wanted. But im worried, it might be a scam, or rather, just an illusional way for you to escape from this home. The pain you have lived with all these years, all the silence, all the misunderstanding that nobody will know and learn to be a bit tolerant towards you may have been that little spark that pushed you to commit such act. Dad, no matter how worse it gets, i just want to let you know, you have been a great one to me, shaping me and teaching me all those things i could not have learnt elsewhere. I feel stupid, i guess mom is not feeling any better. I guess that this is one of our best traits - to hide what we are actually feeling inside and pretend to be otherwise. I hope, in future, if there is any chance, we could all face up to our own emotions, be it good or bad. It's always easy to say that i wont follow you and mom's path down the so called romances and everlasting to end up enduring all the pain, all the taken-for-granted. Recently, a friend of mine faced a problem. She couldnt let go of her stigma that her parents have imposed on her. I didnt said what i felt was best for her then, and that is to compromise. Because she knew she couldnt change, not for her bf or for herself. But, like i always thought, happiness when two individuals got together is not so easy to maintain. Both parties have to take an inch and give a mile. Maybe when you are really in that situation, it wont be so easy to be rational. So it may be good to take a step back, look at the whole thing again and again and again. Besides, change for yourself is always better than changing for any other people. Change to make yourself feel better about yourself. I know compromising is not equivalent to changes, but it is rather more of acceptance. Accepting who the other party is, knowing her, knowing him, knowing that it is a natural part of them, and not seeking to change that fact. Accepting is not equivalent to being complacent. Knowing that they are this way does not entail indifference. Indifference will only make things worse, making the other party feeling taken for granted. Thousand years of Chinese culture, it has been diluted to such an extent that once a couple get together for a long period of time, they no longer feel bother, or even appreciate that having the other one in their lives is already consider a fortune, no matter what they went through. Ultimately, dad, if you feel happier with a divorce, it might be a better way to lessen all the hurt u and mom have been through. I'm not sure if i will be detered by the prospect of marriage, but one thing i know for sure. U and mom gave me the chance to live, i will live it to my most, making sure that i will be happy (since i am conceived at the time when both of you are happier together). I want to live it differently.

mom and dad, I will always be your daughter.....

take a leap of faith...

Does everyone have the courage to believe blindly?

Does everyone believe in the benefit of doubts? If so, how do we draw the line? There is usually this grey area, that i dont really know how to decide or judge....

Should i believe or not? Should i be affected?

No, my mind/head told me to act rationally. But this is not something within my control. Maybe i can prevent, but what's the good of doing so?

相信不相信的事实。。。

no many people will have the courage to take that leap of faith, too much is at stake.

but im gg to observe and make my judgement again....

Dad, i hope everything is going to be alright...

little updates...

okie, time to update you guys and shun bian do a little self reflection here...

well, my ii is finally coming to an end.. I am not sure if i shld be happy or dreading it.. Happy that i am finally leaving such a shitty place, or dreading it coz i cant bear to leave my colleagues!!! hahah.. sometimes, people are really strange.. They are the nicest person to you when you are about to leave.. JUST LIKE MY SUPERVISOR! he said he will be bringing me onboard vessel on my last week. And just ytd, when i wanna request to learn more about certification, he also volunteered to teach me.. hmm.. Is my appraisal gg to be bad? coz i heard that my supervisor had, on several occasions, gave bad appraisals. (ARH, CRAP! if anything happens, i will just see what to do) ... Don really like my supervisor anyway.. the high and mighty air he has got when he is walking... hmmm...

So a little food for thought... Is it really true that with greater power, at management post, the most careful you will be, and thus, the more people you will end up not helping at all? Actually i knew the reality is as such, in order to survive, you wont help. With greater power, comes greater responsibilty. I nv deny this, but i rather chose to think that it is with greater power, that humanity is buried. The real character of a person will be magnified. Is that how we shld get our subordinates to learn to us? Like little nice puppy?.. so that they post any threats to your own position in the company? I beg to differ. I guess i am trying to just seek some justice. Being a Librian, i seek fairness. I think sometimes, when your colleagues or subordinates are really capable, they shld be the one sitting at my position instead. Let them led. If they really is capable, they will be able to lead, but if they resort to unscrupulous means to climb the corporate ladder, not many will/want to follow, and will there be an effective and good leadership?

Some people are just cut out for paper work, PR skills, maybe thats why they are able to climb to management position. But isnt it a pity? How others with more capabilities werent recognised?...

hmm.. shall not think about work anymore...

08.07.10: On my way back from work, i saw this rainbow that spread across the IRs.. there was a spur of the moment impulse to just alight and take photos. But then, i was really too sick to do so.. As the bus turned somewhere along orchard, i saw the rainbow again!

This time, it was a full rainbow that spread across the huge sky, creating a somewhat skyline effect.. It was super nice! I think the rainbow has given me some hope, some little answers to questions that i was thinking/reflecting on the bus. But somehow, i think rainbow brings about a sense of optimism! so i have decided that this shld be way for me to end my ii!

life @ shenton....

Im gg to upload a few pictures that i took at shenton.. When life gets too bored, i guess thats what i will do to kill time at lunch time.. But things took a turn for the better, a new drafter came onboard and she is same age as me! woohoo.... i guess sometimes, when life treats you bad, they will suddenly rmb you, and starts to treat you better again! gambatte!!!

Im not sure why, but i am always fascinated by the way these trees contrast with their background... The tall, unbending, unyielding and the ability to stand tall, is something i always wish i could be...

I like the way the older and smaller buildings stood in contrast to the skyscraper... how lives have changed and how society has developed...

While walking along somewhere, i stumble across this temple.. Not sure about the name, but i shall go check it out soon.... coz i was just doing some random shots that day, so i dint find out the name...

I went to the back of a lane when i saw a group of women eating around the round table. Actually i want to take a shot of them, but i don think they will welcome me, so i took it another way..

My cute colleagues who is the first group of people i went lunching with!

This last pic also signified the ending of my lunch break..... :) Lunch time is usually my most peaceful, and my collecting moments. I tend to do reflection or just walk around on my own, to take in the sight of the city skyscraper, or just to wander around. Sometimes, it is really nice to be walking around aimlessly, not knowing your ending destinations, and letting your mind free from all things. At this particular moment, my senses will be put on alert, and i tend to observe things and people more carefully. Be it just a small building, a small construction sites or construction workers, cleaners, normal working people, they all played a role in making my lunchtime more eventful.. :) I know there is a big world out there, and i have learnt, what is important in the industry is not how many people you know, but how many people knows you... Life is practical, in a pathetic way, but no matter, i believe we still have to take the time off to observe the beauty that it brings us.

Following will be shots taken when i am off work!! I guess the mood strikes me because it is a FRIDAY.... :)

How many people could walk like that, to sustain a relationship for this long i wonder..... Not much i guess, which is why i like taking photos of old couples... The peace and serenity and the sense of belonging to each other brings me a huge sense of relief knowing that life has more to it than just work, money and survival in the society.....

The music studio in Shenton... I remembered i saw this building years back when i was finding Deborah for lunch during her PA... :)
The sun is already setting down by the time i finish taking the photos... As i look through the window from the bus, i am always looking for the sun.... i always wonder why sun is so important. It can signify the start and the end of each day. It gives us light, allows trees to grow, and to provide a source of life for us all. Sun is never selfish to keep all the good things to himself...

As i recalled what one uncle taught me, he asked me a simple question which left me dumbfounded: 'Is this the job that you want to do for your life and why did you chose this industry?' I couldnt answer him... I have always like ships, but he told me that he used to tell himself that he liked ships as well.. But he wasnt happy working there. He has a high paying job, and a stable post, a family of his own. He has everything but he wasnt happy... Isnt that a sign? He wanted to move on, to change job, but there just wasnt any opportunities any more......

i took a long time to ponder over...... Am i really suited to this industry? Am i going to like what i am going to do? Am i going to be influenced by all the networking...

But there is one thing i know for sure, When i go into this industry, I am not going to change, to change to suit the environment, I want to be myself and retain my sanity. Maybe its too early to say all these, but i know, somethings just dont change, like our own principles.... Maybe that will help to anchor me, and keep me rooted to the ground....

Im glad the uncle spoke to me, im really glad he posed such a tough question to me.... :)

给我妈的一篇。。

最近，我的 mp3 一直在播放着梁文音的《爱一直存在》

所以，我想把这首歌献给我妈。。

<爱一直存在 -- 梁文音>

那天我扬起帆
想看看未知的海
心里很多话想说说不出来
虽然我脸上看不出来
天空一样蔚蓝 却换了多少云彩
那时的你让我幸福百分百
是否为我等待
我知道我的爱一直都会存在
没有你泪停不下来
你知道我依赖多不想say googbye
我痛说不出来
我知道我的爱一直都会存在
没有你快乐都停摆
某一天我期待和你笑的灿烂
回头看爱 都在
站在你的门外 我却幸福在徘徊
心里很多话想说说不出来
但我想你一定都明白
时间过的好快
想念却不曾更改
现在的你是否幸福百分百
我应该怎么猜
我知道我的爱一直都会存在
没有你泪停不下来
你知道我依赖多不想say googbye
我痛说不出来
我知道我的爱一直都会存在
没有你快乐都停摆
某一天我期待和你笑的灿烂
回头看爱 都在
我知道我的爱一直都会存在
没有你泪停不下来
你知道我依赖多不想say googbye
我痛说不出来
我知道我的爱一直都会存在
没有你快乐都停摆
某一天我期待和你笑的灿烂
回头看爱 都在
爱一直存在

Ship's visit - Oracle

Going to blog about my work again, since today can be considered as the turning point of my II. I managed to went on one of their tanker today! woohoo!! But the day didnt really start out right :)

In the morning, I am super SUPER excited! haha.. It started to drizzle a bit, but well, the weather didnt affect my enthusiasm :) Throughout the journey, I keep praying that there wont be any last minute changes or calls. BUT... my phone rang! When i saw the msg, i am super shocked! the msg goes like this: Soopei, rmb to bring your IC to pass the immigration point. WAO, i think a lot of people know that i dont usually carry my IC everywhere and anywhere, so this means i have to go home and take. I FLEW home. haha.. and ran like mad. In the end, i am stuck in a jam @8.50am when i have to reach office by 9.30am, and for your info, i am still near my own area, which means i need about 1hr to get to my office! In the end, i flagged for a cab and reach there on the dot! phew. i am super afraid that the uncle will leave without me! :p haha..

Actually it was a different kind of experience entirely! We went to the Marina South Pier to catch a launch to go to the main vessel named Oracle. It was a tanker owned by Hong Lam, for domestic bunkering in Singapore. Today, they were supposed to conduct an annual survey by one of the Bureau Veritas surveyor. Excited to meet a surveyor for the first time in my life :) haha William(the uncle) informed me that he was a China Chinese and that they are good friends.. Actually, William taught me a lot of things in life, that i dont think can be learnt @ any other places. 虽然有时候对他有点无奈，可是在他身上学了很多，所以很感激. He shared his life experiences with me, taught me the importance of networking, show me the power of relationships. He is actually not very old, but he is full of experience, and he is damn good at handling people! I am superbly impressed by him.

Ok, back to the ship. When we reached Oracle, i realised we have to climb up the vessel by the ladder that is dangling on the side of the ship. At that point of time, i finally realised how tough it is for them, the workers and superintendents, to climb up and down every time they have to board a vessel. I carefully made my way up, knowing one slip could be fatal, but well, it is @ this point of time, that you will realised that there are more important things in life you know you just have to cherish! To sum up the survey process, it is interesting to explore parts of the vessel, especially the technical side and entering into rooms that normally would have be denied access. :)

I wish i could have more ship visits in the future.... :) lets hope and see how it goes.. I am so happy today! :)

another random tots... im running out of ideas for blog titles..

my internship starts today! shall make this post a more significant one since i wrote it on the day i start my internship!

Well, actually it was kind of embarrassing. My work starts at 8.30am everyday, so i purposely went out earlier by 2 hrs! And so, i got there around 8am. Due to the lack of sleep and my short term memory, i actually alighted one stop after the actual bus stop, so i walked all the way back, on my killer heels. I swore to myself that the next time i wear tat shoes again, it will have to be over my dead body. haha.. Why should women torture themselves like that? Packaged ourself, wear nice dress, make up, to make ourselves feel good? Actually packaging ourselves may stem from a sense of insecurity, to want to get more recognition/agreement from others? But whatever, haha, nobody is going to be able to bribe me into wearing that high heels again!

lack of sleep made me a super unapproachable person. And i had a super lack of sleep due to some secret projects that i had/still on going (guess this means only me who knows what this means! :) ).

Ok, back to the topic. After arriving at the office, the HR manager, Ms Tan Jon Kuan, conducted an induction program for us. haha.. At first i was kind of happy/elated when Ms Tan informed me that there will be other new comers to the company too. (at least im not alone) .. To my dismay/disappointment/sad-to-the-max, the newcomers were all superintendent. Damn it! I thought i could make new frens! *sob.... All of them, as you can guess, they are all Indians. >.<>

I guess the best is still at the back. After the induction, Ms Tan brought us around the company, introducing us to this and that and THERE ARE A LOT OF THEM! Oh my, i dint realise how big the company is until that particular moment! I guess today was, out of my whole life, the most number of handshakes i have received! Gosh! At some moments, i wished i could just sink into the ground and disappear for good! haha.. but well, it's another kind of experience. Anyway, for the rest of the day, my supervisor cum superintendent was away, so i faced the lappy for the WHOLE OF TODAY, looking at the documents that they have prepared in the past.. ZZZZ... i really have to try to look busy, but well.... HECK! Nobody talked to me, and i dint talk to anyone.. haha.. YET... hopefully it will go well tml or the day after, or the day after the next after the next.... ROAR!!!! YES i KNOW IT WILL BE...

I am so tired now i think i am just muttering to myself. That i haven exactly typed all these things in my blog.. I am gg to post this one without any editing or whatever.. haha. so pardon my language.. anyway, my language has been bad.. so .... hahahahaha...

gg to slp now, with many tots on my mind.. not emo thoughts, but just some random random thoughts.... :)

EXam anxiety!! hahaha

Exams are coming!!! gosh, time really flies. It just whoosh passed me, without even blinking! oh dear...... Decided to take a short break to key in a simple post on my reflection (*actually secretly, i am taking a lot of short breaks today. ThAT IS GOING TO STOP TML!)

Watched the channel 8's 从心开始 today. It was a touching and overwhelming show to watch actually. People, or rather, victims went on the show live to tell their stories. These are people who have suffered silently all these years with no help/minimal help given to them. All their life stories were rather heart wretching. And it broke mine today to see the young woman been broken into pieces. She was raped when she was only 7, got pregnant at 13. Subsequently, she was raped again. First, was by his dad's friend (such a monstrous act...). Then she was raped repeatedly by her brother's 2 friends.

I believe anyone who went through this kind of moments wont be able to survive, mentally or physically. She is strong. I believe she is, in order to live till today (although she had attempted suicides several times). But it was rather evident in her eyes that she is still haunted by her memories of such thing. The only redeeming thing that came out of all these happenings was that she managed to find, her current husband, the one and only guy who accepted her for who she was and has never regret his decision to marry her. He stood by her all these while, and even took care of her mother who has severe bouts of depression. Life is hard for them all. Life is never easy, and each and every one of us has a different destiny. This fact remains.

She is going to take a long time to recover. But i hope she does. She deserve some love, some happiness of her own after what had already been taken from her. Her childhood, her first love, her dreams, her courage. All that is left, is just a skeleton, a soul so broken that it will definitely take time to heal. Not even completely heal. Some wounds never heal, some may heal but not completely, some heal leaving scars behind. But she has took the first step towards healing. Kudos to the social worker name Patricia who has been helping her all along.


It took courage, i meant serious courage and guts to come out and talk about her past. I just hope, life will treat her better now. Everybody needs a second chance at living.















A simple sunny day has different meanings for people who look at it, at different time of the day, at different location. Just like how people with different backgrounds will look at it in a different way as well.




Life is fragile. Nothing could be simpler than this.

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I am really not behaving like my usual self today. Got irritated at myself for all the bad stuff that i did and said today. First, my laptop gave up on me. It decided to get hang early in the morning. Actually, it wasn't really hang, but just that it could not log into my window. I WONDER WHY? Maybe I downloaded too much stuff? Ok, i shall confess. I downloaded one software for my school project de. Actually, the software quite useless and i am still figuring out why the hell do we need to do all that for?! *ok enough whining here. Then i downloaded googleEarth again. I do have it initially, but i forgotten that my laptop was reformatted while in Norway, because my dear lappy decided to give up on me then. It was for the same project that i downloaded the 2 softwares!!! ROAR.

Ok, so i decided to give my laptop a chance to redeem itself. I tried and tried. Restart again and again. But it just wont barge. Hmm, the laptop is just as stubborn as its owner huh? Never Mind! I have decided i might just try again later.

Then, i couldnt study the whole day. Don't really know what i am doing also. Anyway, i told my sister to get me a pair of slipper. Any kind will do so long as I wont slip, because the one that i am wearing now, kind of give up on me too. sigh. Actually, somehow, i knew that my sister will forget to buy for me, but well i am still expectant.

I am kind of disappointed when she really forgot about it. And i admit, i am pissed at her for forgetting. Typical of her! And why cant she put in more effort to remember, just like how she remembered stuff to do for her boyfriend? I don't know to be sad, disappointed, angry, jealous, upset or anything!!

Somehow, i get the feeling that my family is kind of practical. All we know is to provide the basics to our family. Like Food, money, Shelter. There is'nt a thing call care or concern. BOO! I have been so irritated today that i screamed, i pissed off every single one of them with my words. AHA! so disgusted with myself but well, i cant do anything now. We all a bunch of proud people. Actually, i think under such living environment, i have became quite cynical. I saw a family of four this morning when i went jogging. They were going to have their breakfast together.

I thought cynically: 'How long will they be able to go to breakfast together? It will all end when the kids grew up. Things will change. Just like how mine change' Aiya, kids ma, at that stage, the parents will still do things together, making the family more united/cohesive. But then, when the problems come, nothing will stop the changes. Ok, so this is how a cynical person think.

Back to the problem of my lappy. I sort of promised to myself that if the laptop actually recover and let me retrieve and backup my files, i will start to study. Serious study.

Sh*t, this couldn't be more accurate than 4D ok! the Lappy signed into my window and i managed to backup all my files! woohoo!!! lucky lucky. But still, i have decided to bring it to 8 flag tomorrow because i don't think it can last any longer. Better to repair now while it is still under warranty.

ok, after saying so much, i am still upset with my sis. Maybe i shouldnt have. Well, i am entitled to feeling upset once in a while. *continue whining... Ever since, she got together with her current bf, I have never/near to never go out with her lor. Maybe much better this way. I can learn to be more independent, then next time, i won't need to rely on other people as much. Well, i figured i am quite independent now too, that i can go to lecture on my own, I do whatever i want to do. Shall continue like this.

The hardest thing to do is watch the one you love, love someone else.

Maybe that includes the families that u love and the friends that you love?

Tom Brokaw
It's easy to make a buck. It's a lot tougher to make a difference.

sometimes.. i wish......

if only i could be a normal person, a simple one, with no knowledge whatsoever. If only, i am living in the past, i would love to spend my time doing some farming :) The simplest kind of happiness is also the most difficult to reach and hold on to. Too many sacrifices have to be made in exchange of such simple life...

If only i could be a person with the capacity to love. Maybe i will be able to reach out to more people, help more people and be happy with who i am. Maybe i will be more confident to seek the happiness that i want. Maybe i will know what i want in my life. Maybe i will be a lot more truthful to my friends and family.

If only i could turn back time. Maybe i will change myself, and be a better person. Maybe, i wont even understand the need to set standards for myself. Sometimes, i just want a simple life. Maybe the simplest of all the simple wishes is the hardest to fulfill.... Maybe i am just greedy...

I will move on and be a normal person now... I shall be brain-washed, forget everything and start a new. I shall have the courage to move on, to forget, to forgive and to face everything.

i read somewhere in the book today and i felt that it is kind of true for all women, irregardless of who they are:

'sometimes, even the strongest women need arms to lean on'.

Even the strongest person will have his/her weakest moment. Maybe i should just accept this fact and learn to share. Maybe i will try. Maybe i wont. Maybe somewhere in me, i just find it hard to lean on another. Maybe, the independence/pride/whatever it may be, stop me from learning to lean on another.

I will try to learn, but this is the hardest of all. All of these are just part and parcel of growing up. Maybe someday, i will really grow up. :)

~Optimism and faith are what keeps us going~ lose both and i will lose myself too.....