dad, for u...

taking some time out to blog about this.

dad, there is so much i want to tell you, to sit down and really talk for the first time. But somehow, i dont know the way to approach you. I want to know, if you are really happy. Happy in this home, the one you created, but somehow neglected. Everyday, the most we talked is about a few sentences. Sometimes, it was even lesser than that. There was no jovial greetings when you came back, like i used to call out to you. Things changed, but i did not expect it to be so unknowingly. My happier moments with you are stuck at my childhood. The dad who doted on me, the one who forgave me for whatever mistakes i have done. The one who took up the blame when i want to change class in my secondary school days. But now, even as you asked me to do something for you, all i felt was an obligation. This shouldnt be the way. I felt guilt, so everything i did was out of a sense of responsibility. This shouldnt be the way. I want to erase away all your bad habits, all the moments that you behaved stubbornly, and for once, i want to respect you genuinely, as an individual. I wished i hadnt know, I wish i could pretend. But infidelity can never be hidden. Dishonest acts will eventually be exposed. I am not sure how much more time i have before i need to face up to this matter. I have no proof, no evidence except what sis told me she saw. I couldnt be happier for you if that is really what you wanted. But im worried, it might be a scam, or rather, just an illusional way for you to escape from this home. The pain you have lived with all these years, all the silence, all the misunderstanding that nobody will know and learn to be a bit tolerant towards you may have been that little spark that pushed you to commit such act. Dad, no matter how worse it gets, i just want to let you know, you have been a great one to me, shaping me and teaching me all those things i could not have learnt elsewhere. I feel stupid, i guess mom is not feeling any better. I guess that this is one of our best traits - to hide what we are actually feeling inside and pretend to be otherwise. I hope, in future, if there is any chance, we could all face up to our own emotions, be it good or bad. It's always easy to say that i wont follow you and mom's path down the so called romances and everlasting to end up enduring all the pain, all the taken-for-granted. Recently, a friend of mine faced a problem. She couldnt let go of her stigma that her parents have imposed on her. I didnt said what i felt was best for her then, and that is to compromise. Because she knew she couldnt change, not for her bf or for herself. But, like i always thought, happiness when two individuals got together is not so easy to maintain. Both parties have to take an inch and give a mile. Maybe when you are really in that situation, it wont be so easy to be rational. So it may be good to take a step back, look at the whole thing again and again and again. Besides, change for yourself is always better than changing for any other people. Change to make yourself feel better about yourself. I know compromising is not equivalent to changes, but it is rather more of acceptance. Accepting who the other party is, knowing her, knowing him, knowing that it is a natural part of them, and not seeking to change that fact. Accepting is not equivalent to being complacent. Knowing that they are this way does not entail indifference. Indifference will only make things worse, making the other party feeling taken for granted. Thousand years of Chinese culture, it has been diluted to such an extent that once a couple get together for a long period of time, they no longer feel bother, or even appreciate that having the other one in their lives is already consider a fortune, no matter what they went through. Ultimately, dad, if you feel happier with a divorce, it might be a better way to lessen all the hurt u and mom have been through. I'm not sure if i will be detered by the prospect of marriage, but one thing i know for sure. U and mom gave me the chance to live, i will live it to my most, making sure that i will be happy (since i am conceived at the time when both of you are happier together). I want to live it differently.

mom and dad, I will always be your daughter.....