Wednesday, March 24, 2010

on my own....

I am no longer emo emo anymore... I think i have gotten past that period of mood swing. I think i can stand strong again. Faced with their nonsense, I think i can deal with it this time. I should give them time, give myself some time too.


Some times ago, i read it somewhere that your parents will behave like children as they grow older... It will be our turn to take care of them. This has a resounding effect on me. I know i will take care of them no matter what, i know of my part to play in their lives. I want to be there for them just the way they have been in my life. I cant wait to go out and work, begin to earn more money, bring them to see the world as i have seen, spend quality time with them....

I may want to remain single all my life.... Watching them, my future seems bleak... haha, it is not that bad de, just that i have no faith in marriages any more. The last bit of my belief just seems to crumble just like that, like the way their marriage crumbles. Now, their complaints meant nothing to me anymore. I cant be bother. And i am not sure if this is a solution. Maybe i should do as advised: stop trying to solve their problems. Their problems are theirs to begin with, and it doesn't involve the children. So perhaps, if i were to take a step back, see it in their shoes, see it in their individual perspectives, i might be enlightened.


But no, I understand their way of behaving in such manner, but that doesn't mean i have to accept it. It is unreasonable, illogical and nonsensical. Maybe it is their own way of seeking attention from each other. There are a lot of 'if's' and 'maybe's', but i no longer want to speculate and come up with reasons and excuses for their actions anymore. The more i think, the more i am convinced to remain alone, at most be a single mom.

I have discussed this issue with my sis and surprisingly, she used to have the same mentality as me! Suddenly, i am speechless, astounded. My sister has always been my pillar of strength, and my advisor, so it was quite a surprise that she had such thoughts as well. Even with a good guy like uncle pat, i think my sis still have some doubts in settling down. But i know she deserves all the happiness that uncle pat can give her. She has given herself for this family for so long,its time she has a little warmer home of her own. Guess i will really cant bear for her to leave, but she promised to leave a room for me in her new home! :)


actually, on a side note, i was quite touched when my sis told me she will leave a room for me in her new home. But i told her i will not disturb her when she is just newly wed!! haha, maybe next time, when i need to escape for a while, i could just run to her house.

I dreamt of my grandma recently. I missed her. Sometimes, i wish i could undo a lot of things. All the things i could have done, but i did not do. Sometimes, i wish i was a better child. Sometimes, i wish i know more things and do them before i regret. It has been 10 years since she passed on, i realised i could still recognise her smell. The kind that clinged to her clothings.... so warm, so reassuring, so secure......... Every now and then, i will remind myself to think of her, to remember her look, remind me of the person i wan to become. My grandma and grandpa got together through match making. They were both the people that i respected and they were my role models. I regret that i wasnt by her side when she moved on. I wasnt there to see the last of her when she was sealed in the coffin. I cried, for her and myself, for all the mistakes and misbehaviors when i were with her.

i could still rmb the scene when my grandpa took his last breathe. He was in the room next to us, my mom was cleaning him up. By then, he was too weak to go to the toilet on his own. The next thing we know, my mom was crying and then we knew. He followed 2 years after my grandma was gone. I missed them, i just never realised how much, until even right now, i could still feel the emotional battle within me whenever i speak of them.

They were the most stable entity, who belonged together, and supported each other throughout just because of a common goal: their children and grandchildren needed them. I have never seen them quarrel, never show their anger. They were stern, firm but never never, angry.


i miss them, and the days that we spent together. I will continue to miss them........i am so afraid i will forget them, their looks, so i must remind myself constantly of their looks,of the times we spent together.... grandpa, grandma, i hope you can hear me.... :)

0 comments: