2 months. That is the amount of time that has lapsed since i am back from Norway. I didnt miss Norway, except for the Sogsvanne lake. The issue here is that i don't really know whether it is really a good thing that i am back now. There seems to be more issues now than before i went Norway. Well, things changed pretty fast. Especially bad things.
Before, I know i wont have the courage to tell anybody that my parents had quarreled. And now, i realized this has not change much. I had told my closer friends of course, but the thing that remained the same is that I could not bring myself to tell them at the instant it happened. The wound was still raw. It might have seem to have healed on the surface, but somehow, I know it will feel different again. Subconsciously, i will know that there is this scar that is engraved into me. I am not feeling emotional or anger. The problem is that I no longer feel anything....
My mom and dad quarreled, and it seems like a lot of kids face the same problem as me..... Separation, divorce, fightings.... Are all these really a vicious cycle? It never seems to end. I envied. Happy Families. Normal Functioning Families.
'By product of a failed marriage'. This phrase seems to never want to leave my mind. It is persistent, like an irritating housefly that never fail to annoy me. For me, i dont think my parents should have even gotten married and gave birth to all 3 of us if they cant even provide the most basic and fundamental elements of a functioning family. They are in pain, pain that we as their children could never removed. We watched them suffer, and continue to torment each other. Is this all really worth it to just keep the family together? Even I am beginning to lose my faith; my faith in believing that I, in their shoes, will remain with my husband no matter what happen. If it was that painful to be together, why still remain?
Strangers living under the same roof. How apt a description that is for our family. Is traditions no longer important? Is beliefs, faith and trust no longer matter? For them, they wont know the answer themselves, because they never seek to understand each other. Like they never seek to understand the children.
So my only solution is to run. Run away, hoping everything will go away... Run away all my anger and despair. Somehow, deep inside me, i know this will never make the problem right again. I'm beginning to feel such a failure. I failed at bringing back my parent's marriage. I believe their marriage doesnt just concern the 2 of them now that they have us. We are a family unit, so whatever problems we have, we shall resolved it together. But we are all stubborn. We let pride get in our way. Never the first to apologise, never the one to admit the mistakes. Will we ever learn our lessons?
Talking about all this now doesnt matter to me anymore. I no longer have tears for them, even though i did try shutting them out of my life. But well, i couldnt be so selfish and just think of myself. I lost the battle to shut them out; but i dint welcome them back into my life either. Now talking to them is like a chore to me, which i did when i think it is necessary. I believe that the ran-away-from-home episode wont be the last.
Are we really taking us for granted? Will we only begin to cherish when we know we are going to lose something? Must this always be the case?
I know, for me, i wont make this the case. I wont repeat the mistakes that my parents did. If i will, i will not establish my family. I wont get involved. EVER.
Running away from it all is cowardice, and facing it require strength that i hope i have. To have seen a small part of the world, i don't think it is ever worth it to quarrel to the extent that the family can be strained so much. Or that the relationships could be altered in a way that it was never meant to be mended again. Knowing this and knowing myself, I will take any chance, ANY CHANCE for me to go out again and see the world. To experience the harder part of lives around us, to appreciate what had never been appreciated.
Relationship is always a fragile kind of thing, isn't it? It takes all kind to destroy one solid and firm relationship. And it will be near to impossible to repair it. I don't have that wisdom to face it all, i will have to take it in bit by bit. I know i will recover, no matter how sad i am. I have live for others rather than myself. Now this is what i know. Much as i am disgusted with myself, i will try and see the good in it. Try again to believe and to trust. To share and to be happy. Life is never easy. An easy life is an uneventful life, not exciting, not thrilling.
All I hope for now, is to take it one step at a time. I will be alright guys, don worry about me.
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