How surprising that New Year always bring about a nostalgic feeling in me. As new year approaches, i will reflect on the things i have did in the past years. Like whether i have made the right choices, the right decisions and how i am going to live my life without regrets on the things i have decided.
But human being is a complicated psychological system isn't it? Nothing seems satisfying enough yet some little things will be enough to brighten up our days. I have received an sms from Deb this morning. Felt touched and glad that even as my family's relationship strained, I know i can always rely on my friends. The support they have given me, is something i will never be able to repay in a long long while.....
Recalling back, nana and xx have both sent me sms to comfort me too. Not mentioning my sec friends. Sometimes, I really felt that i don't deserve such loyalty, such concern. And i am such a confused being that I don't know if I am able to pull myself through this period if not for friends like them! They lifted the cloth that has been shielding my sight on some of the friends that i made. I am not making any comparison, but just how fortunate i am.
Well, life is fair in some kind of strange way. They gave you a few good, trusting friends and they gave you those you know will never remain as a life long kind of friends. It is only up to us to choose who remains in our lives. I just updated myself on some of my friends' blogs. And i realized how unfeeling i am! I am an utter degrace, a super not loyal or concern friend. I did not know about the things happening in their lives and i just wallow in a period of unnecessary self -pity. I made empty promises, and i did not live up to the standard of being a simple friend. My idea of being a friend who is always there in the need of help is so childish and lack of substance that i begin to feel that I am not such a worthy friend afterall.
Friend should not be just the one who is there when u need help. She should be one who is always there to lend a listening ear, and be to there to comfort and offer support. Maybe that is the kind of ideal friend that everyone wishes for. I cant made the promise, as i know i will probably break it, but i will definitely make time for my dearest friends.
When has family stop being an important part of my life that friends somehow took over the comforting role? Well, the two entities offer a different kind of support i guess. Family will always be there anytime, offer the kind of support that even if not reciprocated, it will still be there. Family and friends are equally important to me now. It was through friends that made me realized the importance of family....
Well, this thought stemmed from what Deb has told me in the msg anyway. While i may be negative, pessimistic, even suicidal, I should not forget that my parents, in their own individual ways love us all in their own methods. Just that probably my mom's and dad's method varies from that in other normal functioning families. I shouldn't have doubt my existence. Maybe i am here to make a difference in their lives? haha....
i should be more forgiving towards my family. It is always the closest that will end up getting the most hurt. And the culprit is always pride or ego. Probably i should learn to be more thick skinned, so that even if my pride is hurt, i will think nothing more of it. I will not feel hurt or sad or anything. But that is so emotionless that i detest to think of myself falling to such a level. At times, i have thought about closing myself up, and just shutting out the world so that injuries will not come to be and at such an intense level. But this is just a form of escape, and a short term one. I don't want to run away from problems, yet i do not know how to approach them. Such a dilemma!
I am going to sleep on it and hope that the solution will come to me in my dreams....
i am a dreamer, i do not want to give up dreaming. Because dreaming bring hopes. Hopes that are unreachable and too far-fetched. Dreams allow me to leave the reality for a while, to be in a world that i have construed in my own way. This is why dreaming is as essential to me as breathing. Dont ever let ur dreams die.....
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