不知道从几时开始， 我们就没有在一起吃团圆饭了。。。是一年， 两年还是好久好久。这个传统好像已经不重要了，在一起的意思也没有了， 那为什么当初还是幸福的呢？

我也不明白， 也不想试着去明白。 或许分开是大家的解脱， 针扎了这么久的痛苦是否真的不要再拉扯着？

新的一年好像还是没有改变。 虽然呼吸着的空气是一样的，可是彼此之间的距离， 却在不知情的情况下， 越来越远了。我真的应该让他们去自由的寻找自己的快乐吗？都活到这一把年纪了，还是这么的固执，值得吗？这么多说不出的痛苦， 也不是应为说不出口， 而是根本就没有想过要说出口所以才会如此的伤心。

爱能改变一切。。。 我变得没把握， 也没有了信心去维持一个家庭。。。 不敢放手去试一试， 也不想冒这个险换来一生的心痛。。。不管多美丽的东西， 都一定会有瑕疵。看不到的，就能接受。 看到的往往会被我们放大， 然后被我们无情的拒绝。 这就是现实的人们。

我是胆小的。 我不愿意接受瑕疵， 我也不愿意让别人看到我许多的不完美。 我没有勇气知道别人看到我的瑕疵后的反应。 我害怕又触动到我心里最深处的情感。

我会努力去面对生活， 我不想后悔。 我会努力的， 应为现在的我还是有他们陪伴着。。。 所以我会学着珍惜。。。

How surprising that New Year always bring about a nostalgic feeling in me. As new year approaches, i will reflect on the things i have did in the past years. Like whether i have made the right choices, the right decisions and how i am going to live my life without regrets on the things i have decided.

But human being is a complicated psychological system isn't it? Nothing seems satisfying enough yet some little things will be enough to brighten up our days. I have received an sms from Deb this morning. Felt touched and glad that even as my family's relationship strained, I know i can always rely on my friends. The support they have given me, is something i will never be able to repay in a long long while.....

Recalling back, nana and xx have both sent me sms to comfort me too. Not mentioning my sec friends. Sometimes, I really felt that i don't deserve such loyalty, such concern. And i am such a confused being that I don't know if I am able to pull myself through this period if not for friends like them! They lifted the cloth that has been shielding my sight on some of the friends that i made. I am not making any comparison, but just how fortunate i am.

Well, life is fair in some kind of strange way. They gave you a few good, trusting friends and they gave you those you know will never remain as a life long kind of friends. It is only up to us to choose who remains in our lives. I just updated myself on some of my friends' blogs. And i realized how unfeeling i am! I am an utter degrace, a super not loyal or concern friend. I did not know about the things happening in their lives and i just wallow in a period of unnecessary self -pity. I made empty promises, and i did not live up to the standard of being a simple friend. My idea of being a friend who is always there in the need of help is so childish and lack of substance that i begin to feel that I am not such a worthy friend afterall.

Friend should not be just the one who is there when u need help. She should be one who is always there to lend a listening ear, and be to there to comfort and offer support. Maybe that is the kind of ideal friend that everyone wishes for. I cant made the promise, as i know i will probably break it, but i will definitely make time for my dearest friends.

When has family stop being an important part of my life that friends somehow took over the comforting role? Well, the two entities offer a different kind of support i guess. Family will always be there anytime, offer the kind of support that even if not reciprocated, it will still be there. Family and friends are equally important to me now. It was through friends that made me realized the importance of family....

Well, this thought stemmed from what Deb has told me in the msg anyway. While i may be negative, pessimistic, even suicidal, I should not forget that my parents, in their own individual ways love us all in their own methods. Just that probably my mom's and dad's method varies from that in other normal functioning families. I shouldn't have doubt my existence. Maybe i am here to make a difference in their lives? haha....

i should be more forgiving towards my family. It is always the closest that will end up getting the most hurt. And the culprit is always pride or ego. Probably i should learn to be more thick skinned, so that even if my pride is hurt, i will think nothing more of it. I will not feel hurt or sad or anything. But that is so emotionless that i detest to think of myself falling to such a level. At times, i have thought about closing myself up, and just shutting out the world so that injuries will not come to be and at such an intense level. But this is just a form of escape, and a short term one. I don't want to run away from problems, yet i do not know how to approach them. Such a dilemma!

I am going to sleep on it and hope that the solution will come to me in my dreams....

i am a dreamer, i do not want to give up dreaming. Because dreaming bring hopes. Hopes that are unreachable and too far-fetched. Dreams allow me to leave the reality for a while, to be in a world that i have construed in my own way. This is why dreaming is as essential to me as breathing. Dont ever let ur dreams die.....

a whole new perspective

2 months. That is the amount of time that has lapsed since i am back from Norway. I didnt miss Norway, except for the Sogsvanne lake. The issue here is that i don't really know whether it is really a good thing that i am back now. There seems to be more issues now than before i went Norway. Well, things changed pretty fast. Especially bad things.

Before, I know i wont have the courage to tell anybody that my parents had quarreled. And now, i realized this has not change much. I had told my closer friends of course, but the thing that remained the same is that I could not bring myself to tell them at the instant it happened. The wound was still raw. It might have seem to have healed on the surface, but somehow, I know it will feel different again. Subconsciously, i will know that there is this scar that is engraved into me. I am not feeling emotional or anger. The problem is that I no longer feel anything....

My mom and dad quarreled, and it seems like a lot of kids face the same problem as me..... Separation, divorce, fightings.... Are all these really a vicious cycle? It never seems to end. I envied. Happy Families. Normal Functioning Families.

'By product of a failed marriage'. This phrase seems to never want to leave my mind. It is persistent, like an irritating housefly that never fail to annoy me. For me, i dont think my parents should have even gotten married and gave birth to all 3 of us if they cant even provide the most basic and fundamental elements of a functioning family. They are in pain, pain that we as their children could never removed. We watched them suffer, and continue to torment each other. Is this all really worth it to just keep the family together? Even I am beginning to lose my faith; my faith in believing that I, in their shoes, will remain with my husband no matter what happen. If it was that painful to be together, why still remain?

Strangers living under the same roof. How apt a description that is for our family. Is traditions no longer important? Is beliefs, faith and trust no longer matter? For them, they wont know the answer themselves, because they never seek to understand each other. Like they never seek to understand the children.

So my only solution is to run. Run away, hoping everything will go away... Run away all my anger and despair. Somehow, deep inside me, i know this will never make the problem right again. I'm beginning to feel such a failure. I failed at bringing back my parent's marriage. I believe their marriage doesnt just concern the 2 of them now that they have us. We are a family unit, so whatever problems we have, we shall resolved it together. But we are all stubborn. We let pride get in our way. Never the first to apologise, never the one to admit the mistakes. Will we ever learn our lessons?

Talking about all this now doesnt matter to me anymore. I no longer have tears for them, even though i did try shutting them out of my life. But well, i couldnt be so selfish and just think of myself. I lost the battle to shut them out; but i dint welcome them back into my life either. Now talking to them is like a chore to me, which i did when i think it is necessary. I believe that the ran-away-from-home episode wont be the last.

Are we really taking us for granted? Will we only begin to cherish when we know we are going to lose something? Must this always be the case?

I know, for me, i wont make this the case. I wont repeat the mistakes that my parents did. If i will, i will not establish my family. I wont get involved. EVER.

Running away from it all is cowardice, and facing it require strength that i hope i have. To have seen a small part of the world, i don't think it is ever worth it to quarrel to the extent that the family can be strained so much. Or that the relationships could be altered in a way that it was never meant to be mended again. Knowing this and knowing myself, I will take any chance, ANY CHANCE for me to go out again and see the world. To experience the harder part of lives around us, to appreciate what had never been appreciated.

Relationship is always a fragile kind of thing, isn't it? It takes all kind to destroy one solid and firm relationship. And it will be near to impossible to repair it. I don't have that wisdom to face it all, i will have to take it in bit by bit. I know i will recover, no matter how sad i am. I have live for others rather than myself. Now this is what i know. Much as i am disgusted with myself, i will try and see the good in it. Try again to believe and to trust. To share and to be happy. Life is never easy. An easy life is an uneventful life, not exciting, not thrilling.

All I hope for now, is to take it one step at a time. I will be alright guys, don worry about me.